


black coffee

by Lo Turner-Kane (doujinbag)



Category: Arctic Monkeys, The Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Drabble, First Person, Im so fucking sorry for whatever this is, M/M, Memories, Second Person, fuck im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 08:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doujinbag/pseuds/Lo%20Turner-Kane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex reflects on the memories he and Miles shared before Miles left him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	black coffee

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for implications of suicide. please don't read if that could trigger you, i really don't want any of my babies (you guys) getting hurt!! ;;

Hi again, baby. I knew this day would come.

It's been so lonely since you've been gone, I didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned the house seven times in one day. It still wasn't clean enough. I wrote you a couple songs but I threw them out. I guess you read them anyways.

I wish this would've been like one of our normal breakups. The ones where we fought like cats and dogs until long after the sun set, screaming and crying and throwing teacups at walls until one of us broke first and we'd immediately apologize. I never meant it when I said I hated you. If anything, I was just pissed off that I love you so much.

Ever since the last time I saw you, I've been a mess. I'm sure the countless voicemails I left you didn't help either one of us very much. When Matt saw me crying that day down on the dock by the beach, I knew he finally realized how torn apart I was. You never hurt me this bad before. But I can't blame you. The fault doesn't lie on either of our shoulders.

Do you remember the first time we met, baby? When you asked me for a black coffee with two sugars but I put three in instead. It was against café policy to do so, but you didn't seem to mind. If anything, you loved the extra ounce of sweetness. Even if you didn't, you still asked me for my number. I stammered it out like a broken calculator trying to compute 2+2 but coming out with 5. I was such a mess back then, but you didn't mind. You never minded.

Do you remember the first time we made love, Miles? You told me I was absolutely stunningly irreplaceable, something I can only hope still rings true today. You held my hands above my head and promised me you'd never hurt me. In the moment, you only meant it in the physical way. But in the long term, I know that held a completely different meaning. You kissed away my tears when I told you how much I loved you after I came. I told you I was sorry for coming so soon, for telling you I loved you so soon, for even taking you up on the sexual offers so soon. You didn't care about any of that. All that mattered is that I was happy, you said. And when you told me you loved me too, I couldn't have been happier.

Do you remember when you asked me to marry you, darling? That was only two months before you left, I know, but it's such a beautiful memory. You were so scared that you'd ask the wrong way that you ended up losing that beautiful ring in the snow for a split second. Your mother should've warned you not to propose in the snow, but I don't think it could've mattered much then. You knew our time together was falling short, I could see the desperation in your greying eyes. There was no doubt in my mind from the minute you kneeled down that I'd say _yes, yes, yes, a million times yes,_ but even saying that didn't feel like enough. When you held my hand and kissed my brand new ring, I felt safe then. I never realized you'd be gone in only two months' time.

Do you remember our wedding, my love? I know it was rushed and nothing like the fairytale weddings we'd dreamt up together, but oh god, it was so beautiful. You were so beautiful. You told me I was too, but I didn't care much for my own appearance. All that mattered was you and getting the ring on your finger and kissing your wonderful vanilla lips. I made you black coffee with an extra dash of sugar just like the first time, and you laughed hoarsely as you held it to your lips before the vows. I held your hand so tight you warned me I'd break you, but I didn't loosen my grip, not for one second. Once we were formally pronounced as husbands, I kissed you so hard that I forgot everything else. I almost didn't notice the fact you'd been in your hospital bed the whole time the magistrate had spoken. You were still so beautiful. I wore a crown made of white flowers that matched the corsage I pinned to your hospital gown.

Do you remember the morning you left, Mi? The way you tore me apart with a single word? You promised me you'd never leave me, not even in death-do-us-part, and I've clung to that promise for the past year and a half. Your eyelids fluttered around like they were being overtaken by swarms of moths. With a simple kiss to your forehead, I silenced your struggle to speak coherent sentences. You knew I understood. Instead, you looked up at me one final time between thinned eyelashes and whispered, "Forever."

That was the last time you spoke to me, baby.

I wish I had the pride to say I didn't scream. I wish I could tell you I didn't cling to your breathless body with parasitic limbs, begging every deity in possible existence to let me breathe life back into you. I wish I could tell you I stayed composed and calmly held your hand until the doctors asked me to leave. But I can't lie to you, honey. You already know the truth.

I was so afraid I'd never see you again, oh god, I was so scared. For the past year and a half, I've taken the rings on my finger as daily reminders that we'd be together again someday soon, that once we were reunited, it would really be for forever. No doctors, no hospitals, no more cancer to further take away our time together. Just you, me, and the endless stretch of immeasurable time that is eternity. It's such a wonderful thought, isn't it, ma chérie? You're still so beautiful, it's just like the first time we met. Let me touch your face - oh god, baby, you're so warm. You're smiling again. You're not afraid anymore, and neither am I.

I've waited so long for this day. I just never had the bravery to do it - but look at me now, darling, I'm falling for you. I'm falling so fast and the water is getting closer and closer, and the bridge is so far away now, but you're so close. I can taste the coffee on your mouth again. I'm here, baby. I still love you.

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so fucking sorry lmao
> 
> I just got all melancholy and?? I wanted to write something dumb so lmao there it is
> 
> (I'm fine btw)


End file.
